College application essay... PLEASE HELP!? help me revise my paper... and let me know of the mistakes?

Ear-piercing rockets fly over our heads while mothers were crying and their children dieing in the cold wintry rain that flooded up to our knees. My dad carried me on his back all the way to Iran from Northern Iraq trying to hide away from the destruction of Saddam’s regime that were set out to destroy the Kurdish people. My life has never been ordinary; I have always been in the middle of the worst. When I was about four years old in 1991 we had to flea the country in the cold winter because Saddam attacked the Kurdish region of Iraq with bombs and chemical gases that killed thousands of Kurdish people. After a year we were able to return to Northern Iraq and my dad got a job with the Europeans and Americans and worked as an engineer to bring relief to the villages by re-building water pipe lines and schools that were destroyed by Saddam’s regime. Life was hard after that but my family was one of the lucky ones that were able to get back on our feet again.


Then in 1996 the feared moments were real again when all those who were working with the Europeans and Americans to bring relief to the Kurds were warned that death was near. My dad being one of them, once again our lives were turned upside down. In a rush my family and I had to leave all our relatives and everything we had that my dad had built for us as a family. We left the country along with about a thousand other Kurds. I was just a kid when all this was happening and I didn’t really understand why all this was happening. Now remember the last time I saw my grandmother tearing as I told her, “I will see you later” and understand her fear of losing her family. This day was the beginning of the rest of our lives and not knowing what was in store for us.


For months we had no place to go, my siblings and I couldn’t go to school and all we had was a change of clothes and the money we had when we left and no clue where we would end up next. Finally the Clinton administration approved our paperwork for our situation and took us to Guam where we called home for several months but uncertain what would happen next or when it would happen once again. The time came when we were finally getting out and we were being taken to the United States. March 1997 we got to DC and our journey to survive in the US began. Going from apartments to apartments, my siblings and I were still not able to go to school. I had missed half of third grade and half of fourth grade.


I used to love school and I was usually first in my classes and advanced in some of them, but when I started school here I had no idea of the language because I wasn’t exposed to it yet. In my country children start learning English and Arabic in the fourth grade. And because of the language differences I was struggling in school simply because I couldn’t understand what was being said or read. Life was already hard for my parents trying to make ends meet and trying to feed six kids and give us a good home. I remember waking up to the sound of my mom sobbing at night since we all slept in a one-bedroom apartment. And when our education wasn’t going well it was even harder on my parents. My dad knew English and I remember he would try to help my sister and me with our homework while he worked two jobs.


Slowly things were looking up for us, my dad got a better job that paid better then the two jobs combined after going to school himself and taking some classes, and we finally settled in a town home that we still live in today. In the mean time I was doing better in school. And in eighth grade we had career day and my classmates and I got to go see different jobs. In the end one occupation that stood out the most for me was when I visited a dental office, ever since then I have wanted to become a dentist. June 2005 I graduated high school from Lake Braddock High School. My family was very proud, my dad believes education is everything and he knew he couldn’t afford to send us to a good college because of our family’s financial situation, he sent me any my older sister to the community college and thought some education is better than no education.


Now I am studying at a community college and trying to keep my dream of becoming a dentist alive. I am graduating with an associate in science summer of 2007 and in hopes of turning that into bachelors in Biology and going to dental school with it. I feel that I have accomplished a lot by at least getting my associates and this has motivated me to reach even further to get to my goal. I have taken the first step to make my dream of becoming a dentist a reality by going back to the dental office I visited when I was in eighth grade after so many years and now I work for them as a dental assistant. I started working at the dental office and not just any other place for the experience, for the future, for the college money, and also to help my family out financially to help pay the bills. I believe I have what it takes to make it and make my dreams come true. And I am sick of running and ready to fight for what I want which is becoming a Dentist and for once be proud and live an ordinary life.


That is why I would be grateful when I finish my bachelors and start dental school. I have been through a lot and I cant just give up after what I have been through. I am sure the roads ahead of me cannot be tougher than the roads I have already passed. With facing the toughest roads of life I believe I have the responsibility to continue my education in a highly educated institution.

College application essay... PLEASE HELP!? help me revise my paper... and let me know of the mistakes?
The basic content is good. There are several points of execution that need revision to make sure you do not lose points. Have this proofread by someone who reads lots of papers and can edit. I would offer that if you so wish -- send it to me as an attachment (tpmedia1@yahoo.com).


Tom
Reply:Are you paying?
Reply:First of all, this is a touching story. But in order to help, I believe in constructive criticism. So, the first thing I notice when I read this is that you never really elucidate any reasons for how you'd be a good fit for whatever institution to which you're applying, nor is your essay unique in that I don't feel like I'm conversing with you when I'm reading this. Please take heart tha I'm not belittling your experiences in any way--I'm merely saying that simply being a victim of happenstance does not thereby make you a more worthy candidate. Add wit, charm, individuality. The admissions officers read hundreds of these daily. Make yours stand out.
Reply:In your 4th sentence, you spelled flee wrong